|image from lds.org|
I believe we all have righteous desires simmering in our hearts. For days, weeks, months and years we plead for these desires to come to fruition. We hope for and seek the promised blessings to come into our life. As time goes on we may become filled with doubt, tears, even anger that we are not receiving what we feel is something good.
And then, sometimes and miraculously, our will aligns with the timing of our Father in Heaven and the promised blessing is realized. This, in turn, brings forth a whole new range of thoughts and emotions. First, we are extremely grateful and filled with joy. Then, reality sets in and we think, "Wait! Is this really what I wanted? I'm not so sure this is really what I was asking for." And yet, we are still grateful.
Then come the more destructive thoughts. "I don't deserve this. All I did was whine and complain for all those years. I begged and was angry and frustrated. Why am I receiving this blessing when I was such a murmurer? And what about all those other people still praying for their desired blessings? Why have am I getting what I want?" These thoughts and questions lead to feelings of unworthiness, a different kind of doubt, and despair. This is where the adversary wants us to stay.
But if there's one thing I've learned it is this:
GOD IS GOOD!
Our Father in Heaven is kind, loving, patient, understanding, trusting and compassionate. I believe that Heavenly Father wants to give us what we want. However, "there is a law irrevocably decreed in heaven," a law that He is bound to, a law we may not fully understand. I believe that even though He would like to give us every desire or our heart, He cannot. He is bound. And I believe He cries when we cry. He mourns with us as we are to mourn with others. He is also there to bless us immeasurably! I believe this brings Him great joy when He can finally grant us the blessings we desire.
Our Father in Heaven is not some vindictive parent wagging His finger at us saying, "If you just stop whining I'll give you what you want." Or "If you would just learn this one lesson...." Or "Well, you've messed up this time, now you cannot have that cookie." No! This is not the God I have come to know. Again, God is so good and I believe He wants us to be happy, which often means giving us what we want when He can.
Now, in the waiting period that is oh so excruciating, we have a couple of choices. We can continue to pray in faith (which is different than whining, but still has a pleading element to it), asking for that which we desire. Or we may need to change course and simply accept that there must be something else in store for us. Something better that we just can't see in the moment.
In my own searching and pleading for another baby, I tried the latter. I tried with all my heart to change plans, to change my desire, to hope that Heavenly Father would lead me to a different path if the plan I had was not correct. But each time I tried, it didn't work. There was no change of plans (this time). I simply needed to be more patient, keep praying, and even change my prayers to some degree.
And so when I go back to those debilitating thoughts Satan wants me to have: you are unworthy, you don't deserve this, why would you get this blessing? I push him away and remember that God is Good and He wants this blessing for me as much as I do. No, I don't deserve the blessings I receive. After all, we've been taught no matter how much we do we are still indebted to the Lord. But I can turn my heart from those negative thoughts and simply be grateful to a God who loves, gives, cares and blesses. I can always remind myself that GOD IS GOOD!
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"O how great the goodness of our God, who prepareth a way for our escape from the grasp of this awful monster; yea, that monster, death and hell, which I call the death of the body, and also the death of the spirit."
2 Nephi 9:10