Caring too Much is Going to Kill Me!

It’s been two years of a highly stressful calling.  Many times I have explored the fact that maybe I am the one making this calling as stressful as it is.  I’ve tried to alleviate the pressure - - more delegation, more communication, less expectations.  But none of it seems to work.  My heart is too full of the sadness, the pain, the frustrations, the struggles to fully relax and put my mind at ease.

I had a couple of epiphanies today, though.  The first thought came while listening to a podcast episode by Jody Moore.  She was talking about the relationship we have with our life.  She explained we can make up the story we tell and the story we believe.  For instance, instead of grumbling about how stressful my calling is (and therefore my life!), I can focus on the immense growth I am receiving by serving in this capacity.  I have moments when I realize that I will be sad when his part of my life is over.  I’ve always said, “I don’t want to get to heaven and wish I’d enjoyed my time on earth more.”  We have one opportunity!  I want it to be great.  And that’s how I want to feel about this calling.  Yes, there are moments of exhaustion; moments where I wish I had time for other things, but there are also experiences I wouldn’t trade as I practice serving as the Savior would. I can focus on that!

Another thought I had that I have been so worried about “doing” this calling “right” so much that I have forgotten to just be ME!  I’ve been so focused on the stress, trying to balance home life and calling, and struggling to please everyone that I have forgotten how wonderful I am at certain things.  For instance, I love having people over!  I love gathering together and talking and laughing.  I’m a FUN person.  But, sadly, I think that fun part of me is less utilized than it can be.  So, I want that back! I want more ward parties.  I want to have fun.  I want to become close-knit and feel that our ward is more than a bunch of people going to church together, but that we truly area family.

And so the title of my post.  I care too much.  I care too much about making everyone happy that I have forgotten to do so myself.  I care too much to make the problems in our ward go away, to fix all the kinks, that I have forgotten to just enjoy where I am.  Right. Now. I also care about building relationships and helping others feel great about who they are.  I can only really do that, though, if I live and love myself.

They say that strengths and weaknesses are often two sides of the same coin.  Because I care too much, I am able to love, empathize, reach out and uplift.  If I focus on the weak side of the coin - - the part that says I have to fix all the hurt in the world (or the ward) - - I will feel exhausted and it will kill me.

Erich Fromm has described Care as one of the elements of the “active character of love.”  He says, “Love is the active concern for the life and the growth of that which we love....One loves that for which one labors, and one labors for that which he loves (Art of Loving, pp. 25-26).”  I can choose to love and to labor for that which I love.

So today I commit to CARE.  To care ENOUGH, not too much.

 - - - - -

“Our Lord and Savior ministered personally to the people, lifting the downtrodden, giving hope to the discouraged, and seeking out the lost. By His words and actions, He showed the people that He loved and understood and appreciated them. He recognized the divine nature and eternal worth of each individual....Like our Savior, as Church leaders we should love the people we serve, showing care and concern for each one individually. May the Lord bless us in the sacred responsibility He has given us is my prayer...” 

 - Elder L. Tom Perry, Ensign, June 2006 - 

Meeting a Mentor

Years ago I had a question:  What is the difference between a weakness and a sin?  Usually, when I ask a comparison question like this I’m really asking, “How do these two things feel different?”

After visiting with a friend on the subject, she saw this book in a bookstore and told me about it.  I picked it up instantly.  I still remember the moment I started to read.  We were going on a trip and I was sitting in the passenger’s seat.  As I read the first page or two, I began to sob.  This was my answer!  This book was exactly what I needed to overcome my feelings of perfectionism and self-doubt.  This book changed my life.

Fast forward several years.  By this time I had read a couple of other books by the author, listened to some talks she’d given, and found an article or two.  Wendy Ulrich had definitely become a favorite of mine.  Then she published, Let God Love You.  The first time I read it I thought, “This is amazing!" (Everything she writes is amazing!).  However, the first time I read, I didn’t implement the lessons into my life very well.  A few years later, after experiencing some depression and struggles, I picked up the book again.  Only this time I worked on the exercises in the back of the book.  I read it in one day and by the time my husband came home from work I was changed!  The poor man didn’t know how to respond to the tears and emotions of liberation I was feeling!  Again, this woman had literally changed my life!

Most recently I have been serving as Relief Society President.  With all of the changes and revelation that has been falling from heaven through our leaders, there was one change that has caused me some struggle.  Without going into too much detail, the premise is that the Relief Society and the Elders Quorum are to work more closely together.  Working out the details on what that means can be a little tricky.  I was so excited to hear Wendy Ulrich had published another book and bought Live up to Our Privileges right away.  I was fascinated with what I was reading and loved how she was breaking down each priesthood office, explaining their responsibilities and the meaning for women of each office.  Somehow, other things got in the way (children, calling, life!) and I set the book aside.  As the wrestle with the Elders Quorum and Relief Society situation became a bit more intense, I was prompted to pick up Wendy’s book.  She did it again!  Her words gave me the confidence to move forward and continue on the path of figuring out what it really means to work under priesthood authority...together!

Saturday, November 16th, was a beautiful day when I finally had the opportunity to meet this woman who has had such an impact on my life.  I couldn’t hold back the tears while we visited.  I told her, “If I believed in hero worship, you would be my hero.”  I really did act a bit ridiculous about meeting her.  Afterwards, I realized I didn’t even think to get a picture with her! (I guess another meeting is in order.)

Here’s the thing:  some of my greatest mentors have been authors.  Wendy Ulrich has been one of those mentors in my life.  I tell friends, “She’s the LDS version of Brene Brown!”   Nearly everything I have read has resonated with me in such a way that helps me sort out my emotions and clarifies gospel principles.  She has helped me feel the difference between what we talk about in church and how we apply that teaching to our hearts.  Her words have increased my aspirations to write, to learn, to share and to grow closer to my Father in Heaven.

And so I say,  “Thank you, Wendy.  Thank you for putting your thoughts and research into writing so that women like me can be blessed by them. Thank you for being a champion for women and the gospel of Jesus Christ.  Thank you for letting me harass you at the conference.  And thank you for the book (so far so good).  You truly are as amazing in person as you are in your writings. I love you!”

 - - - - - - -

“By right of our covenant relationship with God, our willing obedience, and our humble petitions, we are entitled to [His] grace, this enabling power of God as our Father, Jesus as our Redeemer, and the Holy Ghost as our Comforter.  Their grace is sufficient to compensate for every human sin and weakness, to make us holy and without spot, and this, in the humble words of Nephi, ‘notwithstanding [our] weakness.'"

 - Wendy Ulrich - 






More Books By Wendy Ulrich

Worth vs. Worthiness

Sitting in church the other day I was struck by the word "worthiness" during the sacrament.  I think we are very good at confusing worth and worthiness.  And it's not hard to see why when we read the following definitions:

Worth:  Value; that quality of a thing which renders it useful, or which will produce and equivalent godo in some other hting; value of mental qualities; excellence; virtue; usefulness; importance; valuable qualities. 

Worthy/Worthiness:  Deserving; such as merits; having wroth or excellence; equivalent; possessing worth or excellence of qualities; virtuous; estimable; suitable; either in a good o bad sense; equal in value. 

However, Joy D. Jones recently defined the difference between these two words: 

Let me point out the need to differentiate between two critical words:  wroth and worthiness.  They are not the same.  Spiritual worth means to value ourselves the way Heavenly Father values us, not as the world values us.  Our worth was determined before we ever came to this earth.  "God's love is invite and will endure forever."  

On the other hand, worthiness is achieved through obedience.  If we sin, we are less worthy, but we're never worth less!  We continue to repent and strive to be like Jesus with our worth in tact.  As President Brigham Young taught: "The least, the most inferior spirit now upon the earth...is wroth worlds."  No matter what, we always have wroth in the eyes of our Heavenly Father (Value Beyond Measure, Oct. 2017).

The key difference then is that worthiness is something we gain, while to be worthy is an eternal part of our divine nature. 

Worthiness

We can gain insight on worthiness from a couple of our sacramental hymns:

Purify our hearts, Our Savior

Let us go not far astray,

That we may be counted worthy

Of thy Spirit day by day. 

Hymn 183 In Remembrance of they Suffering

To be like thee!  I lift my eyes

From earth below toward heav'n above, 

That i may learn from vaulted skies

How I my worthiness can prove. 

Hymn 171 With Humble Heart

Yes, worthiness is something we can prove.  We entered into mortality so that we could proven (Abraham 3:25).   And yet, oftentimes we believe our worth is determined by our worthiness. 

Elder Dale G. Renlund has taught that we don't earn blessings, we qualify for them (CR April 2019).  Likewise, in one of President Henry B. Eyring's latest talks he states that "the holiness we seek is a gift from a loving God, granted over time, after all we can do (CR Oct. 2019)."  This again suggests that our worthiness is based on obedience, not our identity.  Worth, however, is eternally ours. 

Worth

Wendy Ulrich explains worth this way: 

Anciently, the mercy seat was covered both inside and out with fine gold workmanship, suggesting both the blazing glory of God and the supreme inner worth of every human soul.  This is not a derivative worth based merely on our usefulness or even our goodness.  It is our inherent worth, to which Christ testifies when he claims us as his seed and promises us his mercy...Despite outward displays of obedience, we have little sense of our worth.  Critical enemy voices, now internalized, rob us of the mercy seat that belongs within (The Temple Experience, pp. 220-221).

President Thomas S. Monson stated perfectly, "The worth of a soul is its capacity to become as God (quoted by Joy D. Jones)." 

Our lessons in Relief Society can often leave us feeling down on ourselves rather than stronger.  We use the room as a place to dwell on our "guilt" as mothers and women rather than using the doctrines of the gospel to edify all.  Relief Society is a place where we need to be learning our divine worth, not bemoaning our unworthiness.  We often mistake self-degradations for humility. 

To this Sister Jones encourages, "Thinking small about ourselves does not serve us well.  Instead it holds us back.  If the love we feel for the Savior and what He did for us is greater than the energy we give to weaknesses, self-doubts, or bad habits, then He will help us overcome the things which cause suffering in our lives.  He saves us from ourselves."  

I love that!  "He saves us from ourselves!"  Thinking small holds us back!  And so we must come to recognize that knowing our worth propels us forward as we seek to live more worthily.  An important distinction I hope to internalize more fully in my own life.  

 - - - - - - - 

Sisters, let's not be confused about who we are!  While it is often easier to be spiritually passive than it is to put forth the spiritual effort to remember and embrace our divine identity, we cannot afford that indulgence in these latter days.  

 - - Joy D. Jones - - 

Firm and Reverent Call to Action

(This post was written after the April 2019 General Conference for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  It holds true since our most recent conference in October as well.)

We just finished another great General Conference weekend for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  We were filled and filled some more with words of teaching, encouragement, love, warnings and direction.  I was like the little boy quoted by President Russell M. Nelson, "I need to feed my spirit."  And boy was I fed!

Usually after each conference I try to find the theme I saw running through the talks.  Oftentimes it comes pretty obvious for me.  This time it took a little more pondering and talking things out with others.  There was a directness in these talks more than I've felt in a long time.  We have heard much in the past years of God's love for all of His children, a much needed and critical message.  However, even in God's chastisements and warnings we can feel deeply of His love.  This is what I felt as I listened to the words of our church leaders this past weekend - - love through the direct counsel from the Lord.

The ultimate message (for me):  We must LEARN for ourselves of the TRUTHS of the gospel and be AGENTS who ACT in order to receive the intended blessings the Lord has in store for us. 

Conference truly was a firm and reverent call to action.

We were called to build up Zion in preparation for the Second Coming of our Savior, Jesus Christ.

We were chastised in making our sacrament meetings greater spaces of worship and care.

There was a call to personal fortification in our testimonies as we strive to seek for the truth.

We were reminded of the need for greater teaching in our homes, inviting deeper doctrinal discussions based in scriptures and words of the prophets.

At least three times President Nelson's warning was given to us:  "We will not stand...without the Holy Ghost."

And in the Sunday morning session President Russell M. Nelson urged us to make the necessary covenants needed for exaltation with our families.

Yes.  God does love us. He is also pleading with us to stand strong in a world that is more quickly deteriorating.  In the leadership training notes we read that President Nelson warned our leaders, "If you folks are not being persecuted on a daily basis, you are not doing your job very well.  Fortify our people.  The adversary is an incorrigible insomniac.  He never sleeps."  Now, more than ever before, we are to heed the clarion call to be more careful, more reverent, more holy, and more committed to living the gospel principles.

Halloween in Rexburg

Two days before Halloween and it is snowing. This does not make me very excited for Trick-or-Treating.  With a 2-year old. I have teenagers, though, right?  Maybe they will take my boys out this year and I can stay in my warm house and hand out candy to the other crazy children going out this year.

We have some pretty fun Hathaway Halloween Traditions, I think.  I do not go all out on costumes and decorating, but we still seem to have fun.  Our favorite memories are of taking the kids out around the neighborhood and then coming home to watch a scary movie while they binge on theirs stash.  This year my teens are on the hunt for the "real" scary movie.  (Unfortunately, the one they are looking for is most likely not appropriate for adults...let alone children!)  Since it is a snowy Halloween for us, I think we'll knock down several movies this year!

Our Movie List This Year
(I doubt we will watch all of these...but, then again, maybe we will!)

A couple of classics
Arsenic and Old Lace
Wait Until Dark

For the Younger Boys 
Hocus Pocus 

Some to make us jump a little
I am Number Four
I am Legend
Signs

And hopefully one very intense thriller
Escape Room 
The Visit

Yep.  This is Halloween in Rexburg.  Makes you wonder, "What's the point of costumes?  They'll just be covered by snowsuits!"

Midlife Motherhood

Two of my Teens on their first day of School

I think it's time for me to start writing more about midlife motherhood.  I've thought about this a lot lately.  On my blog I have many stories of the ups and downs of motherhood, but they are all from when the kids were little.  Why did I stop writing so much about motherhood now that my kids are older?  Maybe it's because 2-year old tantrums and 6-year old messes are funnier than 13-year old tantrums and 16-year old rebellion.  Maybe because my kids were too little to know I was writing about them when they were young, but now that they are teenagers I don't want to embarrass them. That's all part of it, I think.  But I also believe there is more to it than that.  Here are my thoughts:  

Expectations
2-year old tantrums are expected.  Motherhood is expected to be exhausting when the kids are little.  What do we expect midlife motherhood to be?  I guess because we and our children are older we expect it to be better...less exhausting, less busy, fewer unknowns.  But none of that is true!  If anything, all of those things are magnified.  Still, we don't talk about them!

I'm afraid to write about my teenagers.  Not because they aren't great and it's not hard, but I guess it suddenly feels like their struggles are personal to them.  Maybe their stories aren't mine to share.  But my story is shareable.  Confession: Midlife Motherhood is super hard for me!

I love that we can have deeper conversations, that we can all play games together and watch the same movies.  I love that I don't have to drive them everywhere they need to go.  I love that they have jobs and can pay for their own stuff.  I love that I can leave the house without seven kids in tow.  There are so many wonderful things about this stage!

However, I am still exhausted, the house is still a mess, and I'm still needed sometimes more than I want to be!  Motherhood doesn't end when our kids grow up and I think deep down we expect it will.

A Mother's Love
One of the hardest parts of this stage, for me, is knowing when and how much to let go.  In the Art of Loving we learn that a mother's love is the deepest.  When two people get married they must learn to become one.  For mothers, there are two people but instead of becoming one, the mother and her child must learn to move from being one to two, completely independent of one another.  To truly love our children, we have to let them go. This is super difficult for mothers.  I am no exception.

Forgotten Age
I recently read a book called Life Reimagined:  The Art and Science of Midlife.  This book helped me realize just how forgotten this stage can be.  There is plenty of reading material for young mothers.  There is much written and studied about the elderly.  And yet, there is very little targeting the middle aged.  Sure, there are many books written about and for teenagers, but most of these writing are dealing with teen behaviors.  I haven't found anything geared to being a mother in this stage of life, being a woman dealing with her own hormonal changes at the same time as trying to parent and let go.  Because there is little attention paid to this stage, maybe we think we should have it all together.  We are, after all, grown up now with so much experience to draw from.  Right?  This is false thinking that can lead to burn out, depression, anxiety, and more.  We cannot let ourselves be forgotten.

Redefining Yourself
Another aspect of this stage is the idea of needing to "find yourself" again, especially if you've been a stay at home mom.  More often than not, a mother immerses herself in her young children (out of necessity) and pushes her own dreams and desires aside.  This is not necessarily a bad thing, nor is it ideal, it just happens.  When the kids all grow up and go to school or leave the house, we suddenly need to discover what it is we want to do with our time and energy, what little of it there is to go around. Women go through various stages of redefining themselves that men don't typically go through.  When they become mothers, when their kids become more independent, when they are empty-nesters, when their husbands retire (then it's both of you, I guess).  All of these phases can be tricky to navigate and they are very real.

So, what's the point of my rambling? I don't really know, except to say: Midlife Mothering is hard and we need to talk about it more!  I don't want to leave on a negative note, though.  These are the challenges, but there is also much joy.  For instance, watching my children become who they are meant to be is truly a blessing.  There is joy even amidst the struggle, I guess I just don't want to feel alone in that struggle, that's all.  Motherhood truly is an eternal, forever calling!

Our MARVELous Summer

A few weeks before summer began, my son and daughter came home from watching Endgame  eagerly discussing plans to watch all 22 movies in the series.  I had no idea the hype Endgame was nor that the movies had all been building to something.  I mean, I liked some of the movies, but at one point had decided they were all the same.  However, feeding off the enthusiasm of my children, I began to spout ideas of basing our summer plan the Marvel movies.  I began to talk about unit studies and themes and learning activities, to which my kids responded with moans of, "It's supposed to be for fun, Mom!"  In the midst of all this chatter, Joel sarcastically declared, "It will be MARVELous." The moment he said it, he regretted those words coming out of his mouth.  Because this mother latched onto the phrase and designed....

Our MARVELous Summer

Okay, I'll be honest, I really did create a unit study type schedule based on the movies. But when you need to finish 22 movies in 12 weeks (minus all of the summer camps and job schedules to work around), you pretty much just have to watch the movies. But, that doesn't mean we didn't do a little bit of learning.

Before kicking off our movie marathon, I introduced some MARVELous scriptures.

2 Nephi 27:26

Therefore, I will proceed to do a marvelous work among this people, yea, a marvelous work and a wonder, for the wisdom of their wise and learned shall perish, and the understanding of their prudent shall be hid.

Alma 26:3, 15

Behold, I answer for you; for our brethren, the Lamanites, were in darkness, yea, even in the darkest abyss, but behold, how many of them are brought to behold the marvelous light of God! And this is the blessing which hath been bestowed upon us, that we have been made ^binstruments in the hands of God to bring about this great work.

Yea, they were encircled about with everlasting ^adarkness and destruction; but behold, he has brought them into his everlasting ^blight, yea, into everlasting salvation; and they are encircled about with the matchless bounty of his love; yea, and we have been instruments in his hands of doing this great and marvelous work.

Alma 10:5

Nevertheless, after all this, I never have known much of the ways of the Lord, and his mysteries and marvelous power. I said I never had known much of these things; but behold, I mistake, for I have seen much of his mysteries and his marvelous power; yea, even in the preservation of the lives of this people.

Marvelous work, light and power! Aren't those incredible phrases?

And for anyone interested in the unit studies that can be done with these movies, here is the list I made up. Maybe in another lifetime I can spread the movies out over a year and then follow the plan!

The Movies and Possible Themes:
Captain America: The First Avenger (1943 – 1945) - WWI, WWII, Civil War
Captain Marvel (1995) - Air Force, Flight
Iron Man (2010) - Cold War, Robotics, Iron, Business, Money/Economics, idealized portrait of first American Inventors
Iron Man 2 (2011)
The Incredible Hulk (2011) - Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde, emotions, “It ain’t easy bein’ green,” muscles, strength training
Thor (2011) - mythology, hammer-wielding god associated with thunder, lightning, storms, oak trees, strength, the protection of mankind
Avengers (2012) - Good vs. evil, teamwork, STEM challenges
Iron Man 3 (2012)
Thor: The Dark World (2013)
Captain America: The Winter Soldier (2014)
Guardians of the Galaxy (2014) - astronomy, love, family, caring, outsiders, 10 life lessons learned from Guardians
Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 (2014)
Avengers: Age of Ultron (2015)
Ant-Man (2015) - bugs, metaphysics/matrix stuff, parenthood, pursue your goals and passions, 3 Lessons learned from Ant Man
Captain America: Civil War (2016)
Spider-Man: Homecoming (2016) - spiders, bullying, Greatness Starts with becoming a servant
Doctor Strange (2016 – 2017)  - time travel/teleporting, sorcery/magic, doctors/medical field studies/tour hospital; dissection/anatomy
Black Panther (2017) - panthers/large felines, social structures, national and family culture, kings, Africa
Thor: Ragnarok (2017)
Ant-Man and The Wasp (2017)
Avengers Infinity War (2017)
Avengers: Endgame (2019)

Final Word
Though we didn't follow the plan above, there were some unexpected moment that occurred for me as we watched the movies.
#1 - I did not expect to fall in love with the Avengers. I loved almost every character! Iron man unexpectedly became my ultimate favorite and I could do without Thor.

#2 - There are some great discussions that can come from these movies. Ethical, moral, behavioral questions and discussions arose from this intricate saga. Familial relations, choice and accountability, character development, working with others to solve big problems, courage, time and possibilities...the list goes on.

#3 - I did not expect to cry when it was all over! Not only was I mourning the loss of some beautiful characters, but also the end of our family moment. I could not have planned a better activity with kids ranging from age 2-17! These movies gelled us together.

So, maybe we didn't go hiking, or camping, or travel or visit the lake, in that regard it was a pretty lame summer; but despite the stress we encountered through it all, we did create an incredible memory. It truly was MARVELous!

Education Week Presentations Finally Here!

Hi All! 

So, right after I presented at BYU-Idaho's Education Week I rushed off on a two week vacation with the family.  And so I finally snagged a moment to update my blog, adding my slides (see bar above).

Speaking at Education Week was a dream come true, literally!  I still remember the day I decided I wanted to speak.  It was at least 15 years ago while attending Provo's Education Week with my dear friend.  As I was visiting with her in between classes, the idea struck me and I have dreamed of it every since.  Though there was so much pressure leading up to it, I truly found joy in sharing a piece of myself with others and hopefully blessing them in the process.

My classes in a nutshell:


The Art of Relationships:  Becoming One with Our Father
Prayer is such a universal topic!  We all want to understand prayer more.  Why?  Because we know that is the most sacred way we can communicate with our Father in Heaven.  Asking, "Who am I?" is the first step in building a relationship with Him.  He is our Father and we must come to know we are His children.  When we ask this important question, we will receive personal revelation that we are His.

Seeking requires a little more energy and effort on our part.  The footnote for "seek" in  Matthew 7:12 tells us that seeking means two things:  objective and meditation.  When we seek for the Lord's guidance, we must first know what it is we really want.  Our objectives must be clear.  Likewise, we must meditate before praying to be sure we are praying for what the Lord would have us pray for.  In seeking we shall find answers to our deepest questions and desires. 

Knocking takes us deeper still.  This is when we "stop praying from the neck up," as Truman G. Madsen has once said.  We must dig deep inside and lay all of our affections at His feet.  This type of prayer will result in Him opening the heavens and pouring down blessings upon us.  This opening is directly related to the covenants we make and how we honor them. 

By asking, seeking and knocking, we are assured that we will receive, we will find and the doors of heaven will be opened unto us!

The Art of Relationships:  Experiencing Joy in the Messiness of Motherhood
Motherhood is messy!  I don't know any mom out there who doesn't wonder about the complexities of this relationship.   In 2 Nephi 2 we learn all about opposition, the purpose for it, and the joy that can be found in the plan of salvation. 

2 Nephi 2:12 - Without opposition, there would be no purpose in the creation.  And it is through becoming cocreators with Christ that we truly find joy.  This creation is more than bearing children.  We have the opportunity to use agency in creating our best selves, in creating a loving environment for our families, and creating memories (the good and the bad). 

2 Nephi 2:5 - "...men are instructed sufficiently that they know good from evil."  Adam and Eve taught all these things unto their children.  Learning together is a part of the gospel plan for families.  We can create a house of learning by reading aloud with our children and making mealtime meaningful. 

2 Nephi 2:21 - "And the days...were prolonged...that they might repent while in the flesh."  When we think of being a light to our children, it is important that we are pointing them to the true Light, even Jesus Christ.  We teach our children the principle of repentance by example, by leading them to Him when changing is needed. 

2 Nephi 2:26 - Ultimately, to find joy as mothers we must place our faith above our fears.  Mothering is scary and hard.  We have days that are filled with uncertainty and pain.  And yet, we can follow the example of Mother Eve and face our fears with great faith, knowing that it is in his power we rely.

The Art of Relationships: What is Perfect Love?
When God gives us the commandment, "Be ye therefore perfect," I believe He is simply instructing us to love more perfectly.  We can work ourselves out by striving to reach the world's definition of perfection:  flawless, thinking in shoulds, doing it alone, and striving for a destination.  But that is not the kind of perfection Christ meant.  Instead He wants us to live in the moment, utilize repentance, lean on others, and acknowledge our weaknesses with humility.  This is Christ's perfection.  And when we learn to love God, we can ignore the world's definition and strive to love our fellowmen as Christ would do.

**Again, you can access the full slide presentations by clicking on the bar at the top of the page.** 

 - - - - - - - 

"The gospel of Jesus Christ is the gospel of love and He and His Father are the personification of love.  If we are to become like them, pure love must possess us….President Ezra Taft Benson instructed us: 'If we would truly seek to be more like our Savior and Master, then learning to love as He loves should be our highest goal' (Ensign Nov. 1986)."

      Richard. C. Eddy, BYUI Devotional, July 2005

Lessons from the Garden

I always seem to have some of the best analogies come to me while I'm working in yard.  Today was no exception!

I was just cleaning up the winter junk - - dead leaves, garbage, clipping dead branches, etc - - when I got to a section of dead leaves with a few trying-to-bloom tulips interspersed.  Well, I could have gotten down on my knees and used my hands to clean the dead leaves out of the tulips, but that would take too much time and require too much work.  So, instead, I pulled out the tulips and raked out the leaves.  Right after doing so, I felt a twinge of sadness. 

Why did I pull out a beautiful flower just to get rid of the ugly stuff around it?  

And then I thought, "I wonder if I do that with myself."  Do I focus on rooting out the seemingly ugly parts of me so much that I don't let the beauty bloom? 

Similarly, my son was weeding a few days ago and pulled up what looked like weeds but were actually flowers not yet blooming.  Again, are we focusing on the weakness that we don't understand the beauty that is hiding? 


The Lesson of the Tulips
With regard to the tulips,  I had justified the act.  I wanted the job done faster.  I wanted the job to be easier.  And I also figured the tulips weren't thriving so well anyway, it wouldn't matter.  But once I pulled out that green plant, I was devastated.  I had let the ugly leaves control my decision rather than preserving the beauty amidst the ugliness.  We all have ugliness and we all have blossoms ready to bloom.  When we live from our weaknesses rather than our strengths, the true beauty inside is stifled (or rooted out altogether). We all know what happened to the man who buried his one talent in the ground (Matt. 25:14-30).  Let's not be that man!  We are to literally bloom where we are planted, despite the ugliness around (or within) us. 


The Lesson of the Mistaken Weeds
With regard to the weeds my son picked, I'm guessing he had similar thoughts.  He wanted the job done fast so he didn't really think about what he was plucking out of the ground. I'm reminded of Wendy Ulrich who has said that our weaknesses also have a strong side depending on how we use them (see Weakness is not Sin).  Sometimes we are so hyper focused on where we go wrong that we fail to see the good things blooming from the weaknesses we have. Didn't the Lord teach us, "I will make weak things become strong (Ether 12:27)?"  I don't think He was only (if ever) referring to eliminating every weakness we have and becoming perfectly strong in that thing.  Again, Ulrich talks about the purpose of weakness is to keep us humble, not as attributes we need to do away with.  As we turn to the Lord in humility concerning our weaknesses we can find the good blooming. 

I'll give an example:  I often feel like I talk too much.  And yet,  I have friends who aren't big talkers and have expressed gratitude that I do talk because it makes them feel comfortable. Rather than rooting out what I consider to be a weakness, I can turn to the Lord and ask him to help me be more aware of when to talk and when to listen.  I can appeal to Him on how I could use my weakness  - - and its strength - - for His good. 


And so I am grateful once again for the lessons I learned from my garden.  I need to get out there more often!  ;-)

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"Nowhere is God’s love, wisdom, and redemptive power more evident than in His ability to turn our struggle with human weakness into the invaluable godly virtues and strengths that make us more like Him." 

Wendy Ulrich, It Isn't a Sin to be Weak, Ensign, April 2015

In a New Phase

Yesterday I went to the park.  Donovan loves the park.  I don't.  But because I did it with my other kids and because he loves it that much, I took him.  I thought, "I'll just sit and read a book while he plays on the playground."  It sounded so lovely. 

But that's not what happened.

You see, there are other mothers with toddlers at the park.  Other mothers who are seeking friends, not only for their kids, but also themselves.  Other mothers who are hovering over their toddlers while you are sitting reading a book.  And when you don't stand up to help your toddler do everything, the other mothers do.  Which makes you feel horrible because you really don't want to help them yourself.  I figure, when the kid is old enough to go down the slide alone, he'll do it! 

But let me be fair.  This is not about the other mothers, I have no judgment toward them in the least.  They were all wonderful, caring, kind and attentive.  This is not about them.  This is about me.

I'm just in a different phase in my motherhood journey.  It's not the "other mothers" who make me feel this way, it's just where I am right now.  It was a rough transition for me to go from "mom of little kids" to "mom of teenagers."  Now I'm both, with a toddler.  Having a tail-end baby has made me struggle a little bit with the joys of motherhood because my older kids are moving on and I'm still....here.  I am:

cleaning up messes
trying to read a book with my toddler crawling all over me or sticking his book in my face
deciphering two-year old language (sometimes not too well)
going to the park
cleaning up messes
changing diapers
putting on shoes
cleaning up messes...again

Oh!  And yesterday he "locked" me in the shower!  We have drawers right by our shower.  He opened one of them.  Making it impossible for me to get out of the shower.  So I started yelling for him to come save me.  Eventually he did.  And I laughed, that time.  (It may not be so funny the third or fourth time.)

Toddlers are just so constant! And when I finally lay him down for the night, there are the teenagers ready to talk and have meltdowns and needing mom, just mom. 

So, I say again...I think I need to just relax and accept that I am in a new phase. Sometimes a lonely phase because there are few people in this same phase with me.  But it is a phase nonetheless.  As the older women around me counsel, the kids will grow up and leave one day, so I'd best be grateful!  And I am, when I really stop and take a breath.  I love:

new words being discovered
helping explore job options 
watching children become their own little people
the artwork
family dinnertime  (that will be way too quiet way too soon!)
playing games 
answering questions
reading aloud
hugs and kisses

There is joy in motherhood!  Sometimes it just takes a minute to remember that.  Mostly, for me right now, it's about accepting the phase I'm in. 

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“The work of a mother is hard, too often unheralded work. 

Please know that it is worth it then, now, and forever.”

Jeffrey R. Holland

Our General Conference Traditions

picture from lds.org

We just finished General Conference weekend for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  It was wonderful as usual!  So much to learn and wisdom to gain from these great leaders of ours.

As we prepared for conference, my daughter told us how they were asked to share a family conference tradition in church and she didn't know which to share because we had so many!  Yes...Conference weekend is a BIG DEAL at our house!   Here are our favorite traditions:

#1 I make breakfast Saturday and Sunday 

(Not a usual thing at our house, especially the last couple of years!)

  We don't have the same thing every conference.  I just make it a point to eat together at the table and have something yummy!  This year it was muffins, eggs, fruit one day and german pancakes the next.

#2 Conference Bingo

I know this is a common one a lot of families do now.  I copied these boards years ago, colored them and laminated them.  Now only my two youngest really do it, but it's not conference without them.  (Apparently they all fight over board #7 because "it's the best.")

#3 Apostles Pictures on the Wall with Quotation Bubbles 

Okay. This one started just a few years ago I think.  It's simple.  We put up the Apostles' pictures up on the wall.  As we listen to conference we are to write the main theme or a sentence about what we learned during his talk.  

#4 Walk Around the Temple 

Throughout our married life we have been fortunate to live close to a temple.  Thus, in between the Sunday session we take a walk around the temple.  In Richland, WA we would spend a long time there - - eating lunch, playing on the grassy hill, enjoying the sunshine.  Now that we live in Rexburg, our time at the temple usually involves a very quick-paced stroll (I think one year we just drove to the temple, looked at it for a minute from our car windows, and drove home again).  The point:  we go to the temple during conference. 

#5 Chicken Salad Pitas 

Every year I make chicken salad pitas for lunch on Sundays.  It was what we would eat at the temple for lunch, but now we just eat it before we take our trip to the temple. 

#6 Order the Speakers 

My husband contributed this little tradition...and we LOVE it.  Basically, we each write down the order in which we think the 15 prophets and apostles will speak.  As conference goes on we calculate our average numbers. For example:

If my guess is that Elder Bednar will speak first but he actually speaks 5th my score would be 4 
(5-1=4)

If I then guess that Elder Holland will speak 2nd and he speaks 12th, my score would be 10 
(12-2=10). 

If I guess President Oaks will speak 8th and he speaks 3rd, my score would be 5 
(8-3=5)

At the end we then total up our final score:  4+10+5=19 

This really is so much fun!  Our missionary son won this year with a score of 39.  Apparently he created a whole spreadsheet evaluating patterns from the last 20 years of conference before ordering his list (guess he had some time on his hands!).

#7 Conference Jeopardy  

Last, but not least, every Monday night following General Conference we play Conference Jeopardy.  Taking information from my notes, I make up a Jeopardy Board.  We have done this for YEARS!  My kids won't let me forget it.  I will be honest, this has not been our most PEACEFUL family home evening activity, resulting in much arguing and many tears.  But in recent years it has become more jovial, less competitive and probably our favorite tradition so far! 

So there you have it - - how the Hathaways "Do" Conference!  

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What is said is not as important as what we hear and what we feel.  That is why we make an effort to experience conference in a setting where the still small voice of the spirit can be clearly heard, felt and understood.

Elder Robert D. Hales, CR Oct. 2013

LDS Culture

There is so much chatter on resisting the culture that exists within The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints.  Moving here to Rexburg almost four years ago caused me to even enter that discussion and really work through my own thoughts on the subject.  I would even admit that I was starting to become a little cynical and defensive about how we live gospel principles (me personally, and in our home as compared to others in the community).  Recently, it dawned on me that there is another way to look at it, a way that makes the culture a positive thing and not something to fight against. 

We have a beautiful and rich history that has created such a culture.  Joseph Smith didn't just create a bunch of blind followers, he created a community of Saints.  It is within this community that we learn to work, to love, to discern, to serve, to sacrifice and to make covenants with our Father in Heaven.  Actually, it is through our interactions with one another that those covenants become deeper and more meaningful.  I once heard a speaker say that the Atonement is not only vertical (between us and God) but also horizontal (between you and me).  

I believe what we really kick against is the culture of perfectionism.  This is not just within the Church.  This is in our worldly culture as well.  The images we see on social media affect how we see one another.  We are a culture afraid of mistakes and vulnerability (Brene Brown has done extensive research on this shame culture and vulnerability). And so, of course, these same feelings will permeate into our wards.  It is impossible to connect with a group of people afraid of being human - - which includes making mistakes and being imperfect.  

And yet, what a blessing it is that we have Sunday, a day set aside for us to dress our best act our best.  Being our best does not mean we are being fake.  There is some of that out there - - go to church on Sunday with a smile on your face and then spend the rest of the week being completely the opposite.  But for the majority of those I know who go to church, they are simply trying their best to be good people - on Sunday and not on Sunday.  What a blessing it is to have just one day a week when we can truly act the way we wish we could act all the time! What a blessing it is to have one day a week we can partake of the sacrament and renew that person we want to be and know is in there somewhere.  What a blessing it is that we have a day when we can "become unspotted from the world."  And what a blessing it is to know that after we make a million new mistakes, we get to go back and refresh ourselves again!  

Another struggle with have with regards to this strong culture, is that of conformity.  How do we keep our individualism amongst so many others striving to live the same teachings?!  One of our greatest doctrines is that of unity - - growing together in love, creating Zion.  The world's definition of unity is equality or "sameness."  This is much different than the Lord's view of unity - to become one.  Erich Fromm talks about the idea of "herd conformity," which is basically the fear of being different.  And so we as members of the Church need to realize we aren't so much resisting becoming the same as one another as we are fighting against the world's definition of unity.  Because the draw for conformity is so strong, we fear we will lose our identity, our personal stamp on the world.  Yet, we also strongly desire the sense of belonging in this great cultural community!  This is the real conflict. 

So what do we do to combat this culture of perfectionism and conformity?  If we were to listen to the words of Brene Brown we would become more vulnerable and build deeper connections through sharing our humanness with one another.  Does this mean every Relief Society or Sunday School lesson needs to be a time to "air out our laundry?"  Of course not!  The purpose of our time at church together is to build one another up through the principles of the gospel, to discuss ideals and possibilities.  Overcoming these struggles means we aren't so afraid of judgment that we then become the judge.  It means we love people where they are on their personal path to perfection.  It means we share the messy parts of ourselves as much as the righteous.  Joseph Smith has said, "Let not any man publish his own righteousness, for others can see that for him; sooner let him confess his sins, and then he will be forgiven and he will bring forth more fruit."  

We can also commit to putting our best selves forward!  We can't settle for being mediocre because we fear others will think less of themselves if we show our goodness.  Nor are we to puff ourselves up, so to speak, in declaring our own righteousness.  Our best selves are who God intends us to be and who He sees us as being.  Only He knows the true intents of our hearts.  It is in our righteous motivations that we behave our best and then motivate others to do the same - - not the same as us, but the best of themselves. 

The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints does have a very thick culture.  Maybe it's time we take this great culture and embrace the goodness it has to offer rather than fighting against it.  We all know that a house divided cannot stand.  This does not have to be a battle within the Church, it is a battle against the natural man, against worldly views rather than spiritual. I am so grateful I am a part of a community that expects the best of me.  I'm grateful for a Father in Heaven who believes the best in me.  This is what I learn from this cultural background from which I came. 

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Here is a great series on how we can stay unified as a Church while we are becoming more diverse: 

Unity in Diversity