Is Worry a Necessary Part of Motherhood?

We’ve all heard the thoughts: 

“Worry is the work of motherhood.” 

“It’s a mother’s job to worry.” 

“Worry is just a part of the job description.” 

“Worrying about your children means you love them.” 

But are these statements true? Is worrying really a sign of good mothering or is it really just a part of our responsibilities? What would life be like as a mom if we didn’t worry all the time about our children? 

Don’t get me wrong, I have had (and still have) worries about my children.

What if they get hurt? 

What if I’m not there when they get hurt? 

What if they don’t do well in school? 

What if they don’t learn all of the lessons I’m supposed to teach them in the next 18 years of their life?!?! 

Years ago I listened to a podcast about the myths of motherhood (I wish I could find it again!). One of the items on the list of myths was this idea that worrying is our job as mothers. The truth is: Mothers Do Not Need to Worry. Actually, worrying denotes a lack of trust in ourselves and in our children. Worrying takes away from exercising faith God. Worrying keeps us from being the mothers we truly desire to be!  

(Note: when I say worrying here, I mean excessive worry. There is a healthy element of worry that helps us to set up a safe environment for our children.) 

What are some principles we can follow to manage our worries as mothers? 

Teach by Example

When we worry, our children learn to worry. 

Paige Pacino, blogger and podcast mom in New Mexico writes: 

“It is NOT my job to worry. It is my job to model to my children how to live in a world full of uncertainty and not allow worry to get the best of me. And it is my job to model how to cope well with the inevitable fear and anxiety we’ll face in life.” 

On a spiritual note, President Henry B. Eyring taught a similar principle: 

“Do [our children] see the joy of the Atonement in our lives? What we can do to help them— teaching, and doing it with the spirit of righteousness, with love, with tenderness, with example—centers on the Savior and his atonement. That is what we would teach. The Atonement working in our lives will produce in us the love and tenderness we need.” 

Love and tenderness. Is that not what we truly want to portray to our children as we mother, nurture and guide them in their lives?  If worry is our constant companion, we are distracted from filling our hearts with love for our children. 

Boundaries & Acceptance 

One thing I’ve learned through the years is understanding where I end and my child begins. In other words, there comes a point where what I teach my children must be owned by them more than by me.  I can accept that worries will come, but I don’t need to accept all of their choices and weaknesses as my fault. Acceptance is vital to combating the thought that worrying is our responsibility. 

If anything brings out my weaknesses, motherhood is at the top of that list!  My weaknesses will be more than evident throughout my mothering journey.  And, it is very difficult (if not impossible) to hide those weaknesses from my children.  Removing myself from all responsibility of their choices is super important. 

Of course, with little children, there is more responsibility on my shoulders. As a child ages, however, this is when letting go becomes vitally important — not only letting them go, but letting my own expectations and responsibilities decrease. Just as we desire to be, our children are “agents unto themselves.” At some point, they become accountable for their own lives. 

Which leads me to our final principle…

Faith & Trust

Ultimately, strengthening our faith is the key to overcoming excessive worry. I already mentioned that excessive worry eliminates trust. Can we trust ourselves to make the best decision for our child’s well-being on a day to day basis? Most of the time we are not intentionally creating an environment where our children will get hurt.  

Can we exercise faith that the Lord is watching over our children as much (if not more!) than we are? Can we trust that despite all of our many weaknesses and failings, He is there to buoy us up in the great work we are striving to do and at the same time bless our children in their own strengths? 

I love this promise to Joseph Smith and Sidney Rigdon: 

“My friends, Sidney and Joseph, your families a re well; they are in mine hands, and I will do with them as seemeth me good; for in me there is all power.”  

Just Love Them

When I was a young mom I would ask more experienced mothers about how to do something. I really hated the response, “Just love them.”  

It didn’t make sense. But now, I kind of get it. 

Pacino continues her thought from above: 

“Sometimes…we moms believe the more we worry and fret over our children the more we love them. But we don’t need to prove our love through worry. We’ve already proven that by waking every three hours to feed them, by sweeping countless floors and washing countless dishes, by wiping their tears (and butts).” 

Jesus says it this way, “Perfect love casteth out fear.” 

So, I add to the many mothers who came before me — love them. 

Place love ahead of your fears. 

Place love ahead of your worries. 

Place love ahead of your exhaustion.  

It is not a mother’s job to worry, it is her job to love! 

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“Every daughter of Eve has the potential to bring the same blessing to her family that Eve brought to hers…she helped her family see the path home when the way ahead seemed hard. You have her example to follow.”       President Russell M. Nelson