Why Are We Not Self-Compassionate?

What do you think is the number one reason people give for not being self-compassionate? 

What could be the harm of being nice to ourselves? 

What are we afraid of if we love who we are and give ourselves the care that we need? 

Well, let me tell you… 

The NUMBER ONE REASON we are not compassionate with ourselves is: 

THE FEAR OF LAZINESS AND SELF-INDULGENCE

“We think whipping [ourselves] is why we achieved what we’ve achieved…we worry that if we stop beating ourselves up we’ll become lazy or complacent.” This is what the Nagoski sisters teach us in their book, Burnout. 

Kristen Neff, expert researcher and author on self-compassion agrees. “[People] worry that they will become weak, or that they will be rejected, if they don’t use self-criticism as a way of addressing personal shortcomings.” 

In short, we are AFRAID to love ourselves! 

If we start to believe we can love ourselves, our minds will start to play the what if game:

What if I don’t accomplish my goals? 

What if I become selfish or prideful? 

What if I stop serving or thinking of other people? 

What if I just decide to lay in bed all day watching Netflix? 

These are real questions we ask when we try to love ourselves. 

My Story 

I used to go back and forth on this pendulum of self love. I would have days or weeks of beating myself up, feeling depressed, worried I wasn’t good enough or smart enough or accomplished enough. Then I’d have a sudden upswing and start to think I was the best thing ever! I would talk about myself and become a little hyperactive. I would act self-righteous and overly confident. And then, a few days or weeks later, I would find myself in that pit of despair again, believing I was the worst person in the world. 

Yes, this sounds quite dramatic; but I really could not find the balance between feeling self-confidence and staying humble. I could not seem to find a happy, balance space within myself!

After years of study, practice and more emotional yo-yo-ing, I can say I get it! I understand what it really means to give myself compassion.  

For example, recently I experienced two days that were a little rough. I woke up one morning feeling super angry and anxious. I felt resentful toward my husband and not being able to ask him for help (the story in my head, not reality). The whole day I felt like crying, yelling and sleeping all at the same time! There was not real reason for these frantic feelings. I mean, there were a few extra things on my schedule, but that was not enough to warrant this kind of reaction. 

Years ago (maybe even just months), I would have sunk into that self-loathing behavior. I would tell myself I was never going to change and that life was always going to be this hard. I would believe the story in my head that my husband never helps me and I can never ask for help. I would whip myself, literally, for feeling how I was feeling and wonder why I couldn’t just “shake it off.” 

This time was not like that. I knew the husband story was not true. I could see no logical explanation for my mood that day. I understood that I am in perimenopause and there had to be some connection to my hormones because I felt so “off.” 

And so, I decided I needed a couple of self-care days. What did that look like? Honestly, my daily activities didn’t change much — I still cleaned the house, taught my yoga classes, went to my kids’ track meets and served in my calling. I did the things that needed to be done. What changed was how I took care of myself in the process. I took some time to rest — literally and mentally.  

For two days, I gave myself loving language. I watched a movie and ate some chocolate. I had a couple of good, short cries (super healthy!). Again, nothing new by any means, but I did these things with the intent of loving myself rather than just to fill the time. I took a nap when I was tired.  The language I used in my mind was key. I didn’t engage in any thoughts of always or never. I basically kept hugging myself in my mind. 

This didn’t only affect me; I was also able to maintain peace when interacting with my family. Normally, in this kind of mood and when beating myself up, I would turn around and take it all out on my husband or the kids. The first day I was a bit snappy a couple of times. The second day, I was able to hold my tongue. Honestly, I simply lived those two days with a different dialogue in my mind rather than “kicking against the pricks,” so to speak. 

The Benefits of Self-Compassion

Though we are so afraid to love ourselves for fear of being lazy or disconnected from reality, studies show that the opposite is true. We receive many benefits from being self-compassionate. Let’s use these two days as examples of how the benefits of self-compassion can show up: 

• Reduced anxiety and depression — my positive, forgiving and loving dialogue kept me from spiraling either direction 

• Improved motivation (opposite of laziness!) - though I may not have accomplished everything on my goal list those two days, I felt confident in doing what needed to be done. 

• Improved relationships — I was able to express my real feelings to my husband and asked for his compassion rather than his judgment; he was then able to give me the space and we didn’t fight about it. I didn’t have to walk around like a wrecking ball! 

• Enhanced physical health — this was big! I’d been experiencing some intense back pain the day before, so because of that and my desire for self-care, I practiced yoga those two days with the intention of self love and my back pain greatly diminished! 

• Greater self-worth — I mean, this is kind of a given. Because I chose to not berate myself for how I was feeling, I felt worthy of love despite my mood. And was able to give to those around me rather than resenting myself or them for not being able to do so. 

Okay - this became a bit more anecdotal than I expected, but I really want to show how this idea that self-compassion will lead to laziness is totally a lie! The opposite is way more true! When we truly come to love and care for ourselves, we are way more able to care for others. Our yo-yo emotional moods don’t have to control our lives and the lives of our families!  

* * * * * * *

“As children of God, we should not demean or vilify ourselves, as if beating up on ourselves is somehow going to make us the person God wants us to become. The antidote for the poison of self-criticism is self-compassion, and self-kindness is the key.”  - - Elder Jeffrey R. Holland