Land of Milk and Honey
What is make a mother a “good” mom?
I’ve read enough parenting books in the past and had enough experiences of my own to know that the answer to that question is as varying as the number of mothers in the world, but I still wonder about it. Really, the question on my mind is how can I feel like a “good” mom? What is needed of me?
My husband and I had a discussion about this the other day because in many ways I feel like I’m not being the mom I should be right now. Not because I’m doing less, but because it just looks different than when all my kids were home. It’s because the beliefs I adopted when my kids were younger don’t fully apply at this point in my journey. I have these three boys at home with large age gaps (compared to having my first five under the age of seven!). It is inevitably going to look different, but in my head I feel like I need to be the same “good” mom I was back then (assuming I was a good mom!).
I had big dreams when the kids were little. Some cane to pass — like having a house full of children and all the hustle and bustle that comes with that — and some did not — like having homemade themed costumes for the whole family every Halloween. These days, dreaming goes both ways — idealizing the past and imagining the future. In this stage I have been wondering what my role really needs to look like.
Recently, I had a good friend tell me that when she reached this phase she decided her role was to make her home a safe place for them to land. I thought, “I can do that.”
Land
In ancient days, God promised the Israelites He would deliver them from bondage by saying, “And I am come down to deliver them out of the hand of the Egyptians, and to bring them up out of that land unto a good land…a land flowing with milk and honey (Ex. 3:8).” Imagine this same scene in our children’s lives — coming from the outside world into our homes.
Land is often a mother symbol. We speak of the natural world as Mother Earth. Like a biological mother, land provides nourishment, shelter and a sense of identity. In The Family: A Proclamation to the World we are taught that “mothers are primarily responsible for the nurture of their children.” Mothers and land alike are honored and revered in most cultures.
Renowned psychologist, Erich Fromm takes this idea another step and teaches that if land is representative of mother, she is then to provide milk (preservation, protection, life) for her children and also honey (sweetness, joy, love of life).
Milk
It is not secret that moms do a lot of physical work on behalf of their children. A child is helpless at birth. The babe needing hands to feed, clothe, and carry her. The physical labor of a young mom is definitely noteworthy. The sleepless nights and sometimes longer days blur into one long phase of exhaustion and fatigue. There is some reward in this labor as the child loves unconditionally with smiles and hugs. It’s a joyful time, for sure! The constant meeting of physical needs is just that — constant.
Honey
Erich Fromm also mentions a mother’s role to provide honey for her children. He talks about how when God created the world He ended each day with, “It is good.” He took a moment to appreciate the work done and add love to life!
Fromm states, "In order to be able to give honey, a mother must not only be a 'good mother,' but also a happy person - and this aim is not achieved by many (46)." Okay, so a “good mother” then is one who loves life!
So, how does a mother go about doing that?!
First, Check Your Complaints.
When the kids were little we did a lot of chores together. If I was working, they were working with me. It was just the thing that needed to be done. As the kids went school and I was “left at home to clean up their messes” (yes, victim mentality!), I feel like I became more resentful of household needs. So, I can do better here and find joy in caring for the home for them so they can have a safe place to land.
I can ask myself: Do I complain about my tasks more than celebrate them? Maybe laundry isn’t joyful for me, but I don’t have to complain about it. And when the clothes are hanging neatly in the closet I can say, “It is good.”
Second, Have Your Own Interests & Goals
Oftentimes mothers sacrifice their own desires (loves) for those of their children. I once read somewhere that children gain self-confidence when their mothers are pursuing their own interests.
Again, when the kids were little I loved celebrating quirky holidays such as, Talk Like a Pirate Day or Pig Day or National Writing Week to add a little spark to our schedule. That was joyful for me! I also loved reading and always made time for a good book almost every day! I was a much happier mom if there was a book waiting for me. Infusing my own joyful things into the day became harder as the kids got older, but I still believe in the power of Mom sharing that love of life with her kids!
I can ask myself: Am I inserting things that I love to do in my day’s work? Rather than separating ourselves from the kids to enjoy what we love, we can bring the children into that joy with us!
“Mother's love for life is as infectious as her anxiety is."
Preparing a land of milk and honey sounds so much nicer to me than taking care of the house and cleaning up after everyone. I do have a genuine love for life! I want to show that side of mothering to my kids more than the grumpier side (though there’s space for both). It’s just a consonant journey, this whole motherhood thing. So, I’ll just keep learning, living and loving along the way!
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