”Why Were You Not Zusya?”

Consider this insight provided by the 18th-century Hasidic scholar Zusya of Anipol. Zusya was a renowned teacher who began to fear as he approached death. His disciples asked, “Master, why do you tremble? You’ve lived a good life; surely God will grant you a great reward.”

Zusya said: “If God says to me, ‘Zusya, why were you not another Moses?’ I will say, ‘Because you didn’t give me the greatness of soul that you gave Moses.’ And if I stand before God and He says, ‘Zusya, why were you not another Solomon?’ I will say, ‘Because you didn’t give me the wisdom of Solomon.’ But, alas, what will I say if I stand before my Maker and He says, ‘Zusya, why were you not Zusya? Why were you not the man I gave you the capacity to be?’ Ah, that is why I tremble.” 

This story from Elder Dale G. Renlund’s last conference talk resonated with me so much! 

Why do we try to be someone we’re not? 

What is it really that keeps us from being ourselves? 

Renowned Buddhist Monk, Thich Nhat Hahn has declared, ‘We are afraid to be ourselves, and we change who we are to be accepted. If your happiness depends entirely on the views of other people, you have no confidence in yourself. Then, when you are not recognized by others as beautiful and worthy, you suffer. This is what makes you want to be someone else, something else, which is the foundation of suffering. True happiness and true power lie in understanding yourself, accepting yourself and having confidence in yourself.” 

I call these the three pillars of self-love: 

Understanding Yourself

Accepting Yourself

Trusting Yourself

Accepting Yourself

Again, why do we think we need to be another person or another version of ourselves in order to be worthy, loved or good enough? 

One reason is that we worry about what other people think of us. We buy into the culturally held beliefs in how we “should” live and we worry that we aren’t measuring up to someone else’s standards. Maybe these expectations come from our own minds, but nonetheless, they are made up rules for how to live our lives. 

Being dependent on the views of other people is one reason we don’t be true to ourselves. This fear that we need to be something or someone else in order to be loved hinges on the idea that we must “fix” our weaknesses, become someone different, be changed even. 

One easy way to combat such thoughts is to notice when “I should” or “I’m supposed to…” enter your mind. Then, challenge that thought.  “Who says I’m supposed to do this?” 

“Why do I think I should…?” 

Recognize when those thoughts aren’t serving you and let them go. 

Comparison

Another culprit that keeps us from being ourselves is comparing ourselves to others. Zusya spoke true when he proclaimed that he was not given the gifts Moses was given and that he was not given the task that Solomon was given. Zusya was determined to live with the gifts and tasks he was given. 

Why do we so desperately believe that we are supposed to have the same gifts and talents as others? The same purpose and mission? What is it that instills in us this dissatisfaction with our own lives that we believe we need another’s? 

“Satan uses comparisons as tools to set up inferior and superior feelings,” Sister Jean Bingham has said. 

Elder Vern P. Stanfill similarly attests, “When we compare ourselves to others, there can only be two results. Either we will see ourselves as better than others and become judgmental…or we will see ourselves as less than others  and become anxious….” 

The truth is, “when you compare yourself to somebody else, you compare you to not-you.” You are you! And that is who God expects and desires you to be! 

Again from Elder Renlund: 

God expects us to magnify the abilities we have been given, but He does not want us to compare our abilities to those of others. … Indeed, God will be disappointed if we do not rely upon the merits, mercy, and grace of the Savior to magnify the God-given abilities we have received. With His loving assistance, He expects us to become the best version of ourselves. That we may start with differing abilities is irrelevant to Him. And it should be to us.

Turn Comparison into Compassion

Comparisons come from a place of lack or scarcity. It’s as if we believe there is only so much room for everyone to exist. If there is one beautiful person, one righteous person, one talented person…there must not be room for more. And yet, Jesus says “In my Father’s house are many mansions.” 

Elder Stanfill continues, “Comparing ourselves to others is rarely productive, not uplifting and sometimes downright depressing.” 

And when we look upon ourselves in God’s glory and with compassion, “Suddenly ‘this world surely is wide enough to hold both thee and me.’ Instead of competing, we can care for each other. Instead of comparing ourselves, we can have compassion on each other (Hannah Anderson).” 

In mortality, we can “come boldly” to the Savior and receive compassion, healing, and help. Elder Renlund, April 2021

In her many studies on self-compassion, Kristin Nef has discovered that self-compassion is associated with less social comparison and creates less of a need to “retaliate for perceived personal slights.”  

Comparison is a part of human nature. It is inevitable that we will make comparisons in life, but these comparisons don’t need to debilitate us. When overcome with comparisons, switch to compassion. One quick way to do this is, instead of making another person’s gift mean something about your lack, give that person a compliment. Celebrate in their strength. 

Another tool when overcome with comparisons is to give yourself compassion. Again, recognize why those thoughts are encroaching and give yourself a mental hug. You do not need to believe every thought that comes into your mind. 

Conclusion

Henri Nouwen writes, “When I look from my place in the world into God’s Kingdom, I quickly come to think of God as the keeper of some great celestial scoreboard, and I will always be afraid of not making the grade. But as soon as I look from God’s welcoming home into the world, I discover that God loves with a divine love, a love that cedes to all women and men their uniqueness without ever comparing.”

I could read this story of Zusya every single day as a reminder to myself of who I am meant to be, who God intends me to be.  When I fully embrace myself (on my good days), man, it feels good to be me! I want more of those days! Like Zusya, I do not want God to ask, “Julia, why were you not Julia?” 

* * * * *  

Indeed, God will be disappointed if we do not rely upon the merits, mercy, and grace of the Savior to magnify the God-given abilities we have received. With His loving assistance, He expects us to become the best version of ourselves. That we may start with differing abilities is irrelevant to Him. And it should be to us.  - Elder Dale G. Renlund