The Courage to be Disliked
Does your past determine your current situation? Etiology would say yes. However, teleology does not. Teleology teaches that we each make choices based on our goals, our purpose. We don’t make choices today simply because we experienced a trauma of some sort in the past. A person becomes angry and yells because they have a goal of making a point, or gaining control. That person doesn’t become angry and yell because of something their mother did years earlier. I believe those experiences definitely shape some of our belief systems. However, when we attribute too much weight to the past, we may forget that we have choice today. We may abdicate our responsibilities to the choices of others and not take accountability for living the life we want!
“Adler, in denial of the trauma argument, states the following: “No experience is in itself a cause of our success or failure. We do not suffer from the shock of our experiences—the so-called trauma—but instead we make out of them whatever suits our purposes. We are not determined by our experiences, but the meaning we give them is self-determining.”
In this quote we see that the meaning we attribute to the past experience is what determines who we are. The story we tell ourselves (as Berne Brown would say) about that experience determines our future choices. So, yes, traumatic experiences do happen in our lives, but it’s the purpose we assign to that trauma that leads to our current decisions.
When we live from a teleology standpoint, we then have the power to change!
In short, Kishimi explains, “Freudian etiology is a psychology of possession, and eventually it arrives at determinism. Adlerian psychology, on the other hand, is a psychology of use, and it is you who decides it.”
#2 Comparison
“It’s basically impossible to not get hurt in relations with other people.”
All struggle comes in relationship with other people. If we were all alone on this planet, there would be no suffering. We view ourselves in comparison with others. Communication is intricate and essential when working with others. We are constantly balancing time for ourselves and sharing time with others. The world in which we live requires a sociality with other human beings, inevitably causing struggle in our lives. We are afraid to be disliked because we don’t want to get hurt.
So how do we find peace amidst this struggle? It doesn’t make sense to isolate ourselves from others, nor does it truly bring joy.
Adler teaches, “The important thing is not what one is born with but what use one makes of that equipment.” To which Kishimi comments, “You want to be Y or someone else because you are utterly focused on what you were born with. Instead, you’ve got to focus on what you can make of your equipment.”
Comparing ourselves with others is simply human behavior. What Adler and Kishimi express is that it’s not the comparison that causes suffering. Just as with point number one, it’s the meaning we attach to the comparison that makes us hurt. Feelings of superiority and inferiority are, again, normal and can actually be healthy when used correctly.
“The pursuit of superiority is the mind-set of taking a single step forward on one’s own feet, not the mind-set of competition of the sort that necessitates aiming to be greater than other people…. A healthy feeling of inferiority is not something that comes from comparing oneself to others; it comes from one’s comparison with one’s ideal self.”
“Human beings are equal but not the same.” When we can accept and fully embrace this belief, we can make healthy comparisons and judgments. To bring in some scripture to this concept, Moroni taught us that there is a correct way to judge. In Alma we are told to “judge righteously.” We get to decide what meaning we attach to our “equipment” and allow others this same liberty. Acting from this place we then gain the courage to be disliked.
#3 Recognition & Contribution
All human beings crave recognition! We all want to be seen, heard, appreciated, acknowledged, adored. This is human nature! What Adler and Kishimi try to show us, is that true recognition comes from inside of us. We can accept compliments and awards, but if we are to feel truly valued, it must come from within!
How do we come to a place of real self-Acceptance?
Kishimi writes, “Accept what is irreplaceable. Accept ‘this me’ just as it is. And have the courage to change what one can change. That is self-acceptance.”
He continues, “Self-affirmation is making suggestions to oneself, such as ‘I can do it’ or ‘I am strong,’ even when something is simply beyond one’s ability…With self-acceptance, on the other hand, if one cannot do something, one is simply accepting ‘one’s incapable self’ as is and moving forward so that one can do whatever one can.”
It takes deep self-study and sincere self-honesty to come to a place of true self-acceptance.
We lie have a tendency to lie to ourselves without fully realizing it. When someone asks us to do something and we say yes when we want to say no, that is lying to ourselves. When we use phrases like, “I have to” or “I should…” we are lying to ourselves. When we say we have a certain personality trait because “that’s just the way I was born” or “that’s how my mama raised me,” we are lying to ourselves. We don’t need to have opinions on everything, but when we don’t voice an honest opinion simply to be compliant or we are afraid to hurt another person’s feelings, we are lying to ourselves. We must become unabashedly honest with ourselves!
And that is the greatest message I think I received from this book. I have the power to choose! I have the power to know what I want and act accordingly. I’m not saying we stomp all over others by any means! That would not necessarily be the honest thing to do either. What I am saying is that we have way more power than we use when it comes to knowing, understanding and changing to become who we want to be!
“One cannot change what one is born with. But one can, under one’s own power, go about changing what use one makes of that equipment. So in that case, one simply has to focus on what one can change, rather than on what one cannot. This is what I call self-acceptance.”
This type of self-acceptance leads to natural contribution in the world.
Conclusion
Oh my goodness! As I read through my notes, there is so much more I want to cover. Ultimately, I have been left with some great questions to ask myself:
Who am I really?
Who do I want to be?
What do I want and desire for my life?
Am I being honest in my answers to these questions!?
Do I even like myself?
“For a human being, the greatest unhappiness is not being able to like oneself.”
If you want to discover answers to these same questions, I highly recommend this book! I have been on a personal journey of self-honesty, self-acceptance and self-love for a really long time. I think we all are, actually! This book really pushed me to think harder and to become even more honest with myself. I still don’t take lightly to negative feedback and rejection (that’s human!). I still struggle in my relationships with others (that’s human!). I still have anxiety (that’s human!). It does take courage to be disliked, but I think it’s worth it and I’m excited to keep exploring!
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(Final really long quote 😉)
“In the teachings of Judaism, one finds the following anecdote: “If there are ten people, one will be someone who criticizes you no matter what you do. This person will come to dislike you, and you will not learn to like him either. Then, there will be two others who accept everything about you and whom you accept too, and you will become close friends with them. The remaining seven people will be neither of these types.” Now, do you focus on the one person who dislikes you? Do you pay more attention to the two who love you? Or would you focus on the crowd, the other seven? A person who is lacking in harmony of life will see only the one person he dislikes and will make a judgment of the world from that.”
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