The Lord tells us: "Ask and ye shall receive" (D&C 88:63). And yet we're supposed to also say, "Thy will be done (Matt. 6:10)." The Lord tells us if we have His will in mind we will not ask amiss (2 Ne. 4:35).
We are in a moment of uncertainty in our family. I'm waiting to go in for a second ultrasound (yes, I'm expecting!) to see if there is really a baby. Last Friday I went in for my first appointment and the doctor found only a gestational sac with no sign of life. To not be too hasty, he asked that we wait ten days and then go in for another ultrasound just to be sure. Talk about aggravating!
I did not expect the emotions that I have been through. Friday, lots of tears. Saturday and Sunday sincere peace and faith that all would be as the Lord requires. I was ready to take on the week ready to serve and move forward. Monday was fine, but I just felt really tired. Tuesday, again, really tired. I told my husband I just want to sleep this week away. Tears came all too easily that day. Yes, I would admit to giving in to depression. Today I feel a renewed sense of peace and determination to just do my best today, to serve my family, and take care of all that is needful.
And thus the questions above. How do I know what to ask for? While in the hospital with D's birth, I was given distinct instruction on what I needed to pray for in that moment. Just as with the brother of Jared, he was given a direct answer to one of his questions. Similarly, in this second experience I am not receiving a clear answer. Do I ask for a miracle? Do I ask to endure? Do I ask for the time to go by more quickly? Do I ask for....???? I don't know!
What I do know is that I don't need a miracle to realize the Lord's hand is guiding my life. As lovely as it would be to hear good news on Monday, I am already assured that God is watching over our little family. I am aware that He is involved in the details of our lives. I know there is pain to be felt in this life so we can be drawn closer to the Lord, but am just as sure that the peace can far outway the hurt.
And so I will wait. For four more excruciating days I will wait. More importantly, I will wait upon the Lord (Ps. 123:2, Isaiah 40:31, 2 Ne. 18:17) knowing the peace will come.
"Despair can seem like a staircase that leads only and forever downward. Hope, on the other hand, is like the beam of sunlight rising up and above the horizon of our present circumstances....Never allow despair to overcome your spirit. Embrace and rely on the Hope of Israel, for the love of the Son of God pierces all darkness, softens all sorrow, and gladdens every heart."
- - President Dieter F. Uchtdorf, CR Oct. 2008 - -